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Starting Over…Again!

In two weeks time I will be starting a new job.  Yes, that’s right folks, another one.  In fact, this will be the fourth job I have had this year.  I think when I look back on 2018, the archives will be full of memories of being interviewed.

The last few weeks have been strange and strained.  I have felt unable to get into it here, because without knowing what was next, it seemed like self-indulgent whining.  Since the summer, I have started, and finished, two new roles.  For the record, neither of these positions were supposed to be temporary.

As much as I have tried to reassure myself that these things happen and everyone is allowed to have a run of bad luck sometimes, I couldn’t prevent my confidence from being severely dented.  The last job ended after only 8 weeks, when my boss told me he didn’t think I was the right person for the job.  I wasn’t being fired, as such, but there was a clear invitation to resign.

As I sat across that board room table, trying to remain composed, all I could think was “he is right.”  All these years I have been playing a part and now finally I am exposed as the fraud I always knew I was.  At least that is what I thought on that fateful Wednesday.

In the weeks since then, there has been a lot of soul searching and no small amount of tears.  I honestly did not know if I had what it would take to dust off the CV and try to sell myself again.  My shame and my sadness were so raw, I felt sure that it would be obvious to anyone who met me.

Luckily, there’s no better decision making tool than not having a choice.  Although I wasn’t in immediate danger of ending up on the bread line, I knew I needed to get back to work in short order.  A month or two of unemployment was realistically all I could afford.

Of course, I fantasized about walking away from corporate life and immersing myself into my writing, Zumba and the Podcast.  As appealing as that sounds, it isn’t a viable option right now.  I am not ruling it out completely, but it’s more of a long term proposition.

I realised that I needed to build myself back up again.  I had to restore my resilience and my energy, and get ready to hear all the nos that inevitably come with job seeking.  I had given myself the deadline of the New Year to try to get something in place.  As many of you who know me will understand, I am not good as sitting still.  I am prone to depression and lounging around in a dressing gown will surely set me on that course.  It was important for me to stay busy.

I needed a new project, something to take my mind off my current situation and keep my brain engaged.  Just then, something amazing happened.  A friend on Facebook (to this day I am still unsure how we are even connected) put up a post looking for someone to help him.  He needed a writer for his MMA blog.  I answered his call, even though I know very little about MMA or any sport for that matter.  For some reason he decided to let me try out.

This project turned out to be exactly what I needed.  It is a challenge for sure.  I am learning a lot, which I always love and I am getting to meet so many interesting people.  Under my editor’s guidance I am producing work that I am incredibly proud of.  I am doing things like driving 220km to attend MMA fights on my own, which I never would have imagined myself doing.

All of this started to have an affect on me.  My confidence began to return.  I started to feel less useless.  Furthermore, I figured out that as humans, our capability to reinvent ourselves is infinite.  If I can step into the role of MMA reporter, what else can I do?  We are only limited by our imagination.  It made me feel a lot better about having to sell myself in the job market, that’s for sure.

I know it is a cliché, but I do believe that sometimes when it feels like everything is falling apart, it is actually falling into place.  If I had not had such a bad run of employment luck this year, I never would have had these few weeks off to rest and reevaluate.  I experienced what was probably my greatest professional fear coming to pass, and I lived to tell the tale.  That fear won’t have as great a hold over me in the future.

I also would not have had the opportunity to try something new and the pick up some new skills.  I have interviewed some people for the site and it has lead me to think about interviewing people for the Podcast, which I don’t know if I would have felt equipped to do before.  I have shown myself that even at the ripe old age of 37, I can still learn.  I can still have adventures.  I can still surprise myself.

I am proud of myself for walking away from a bad situation.  The Arwen of old would have gritted her teeth and tried to make it work.  I am no longer prepared to sacrifice my self-worth for a pay cheque and that is huge.

I am going into this new role full of excitement and hopeful that it will be a good fit.  If it doesn’t work out I might have to try lion taming!  At the risk of sounding ambivalent, if it isn’t a good fit, it won’t be the end of the world.  I now know I am capable of dusting myself off and trying again.  I will keep you posted.  Be well xxx

 

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