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Everybody Fails!

Three months ago, I started a new job.  I was full of excitement and eagerly anticipated the challenge.  Last week, I handed in my notice.  The role wasn’t what I expected it to be, and the practices were hitting off my triggers.  For lots of other reasons, which are too dull to go in to, I decided it wasn’t for me.  This was an impossibly difficult decision to make.  I hate walking away from anything, especially when I don’t feel like I have given it a proper try.  Even though I know it’s irrational, and though I am fairly sure I am doing the right thing, I still feel like I have failed.

In all honestly, the last 12 months or so have been pretty disastrous work wise.  It started going down hill this time last year, when a promotion I was promised fell through.  The promotion involved spending a lot of time in the UK, so getting mentally geared up for it had been tough.  But once it was decided on, I was committed to giving it my all.  When it didn’t work out, I felt completely heartbroken.  It was as though the rug had been pulled out from underneath me.  I knew that the change of plan was just that, a business decision which had nothing to do with me personally.  Nor was it a reflection of my work or my ability.  Still the experience left me destabilised and unsettled.  A change was needed.

The thing was, I didn’t hate my job.  In fact, I quite liked it.  I had genuine affection for my colleagues, so I wasn’t going to take just any old job.  It had to be the “right move.”  After a fairly drawn out job hunt, I found a position which seemed to tick all the boxes.  It was a step up, more money, not too much of a commute and in a growing company so there would be plenty to challenge me and hold my interest.  Sounds perfect, right?  I thought so.  I was wrong.

So what?  I tried something, it didn’t work out and I moved on.  No big deal.  I have a new job lined up and having been completely honest with them about the reasons this one hasn’t worked out, I am hopeful not to experience the same issues.  This job is even closer to home.  I will have the shortest travel time I have ever had, which in itself is a reason to be happy.  The role has a lot going for it and I know I should be ecstatic.  99% of me is, in fact, delighted.  But the other 1% is loud, obnoxious and impossible to ignore.

It keeps reminding me that I thought I was making the right move before and I was DEAD WRONG.  It whispers to me that I FAILED.  It prompts me to wonder if this career path is really for me.  It waits in the dark to ask me “what if the problem isn’t them, what if it’s YOUR FAULT?”  No amount of rational thinking, meditation or mindfulness can quieten these fears.  The inconvenient truth is that the experiences of the last year have left me doubting my own instincts.  I have spent so long not knowing what to do, that it has become the default.  I can’t stop thinking, what if I start in the new job and it’s even worse?  Is it a case of better the devil you know?

I recognise that uncertainty and anxiety are completely normal during times of change.  I understand that even though they might not admit it, everyone experiences the same range of emotions.  I also know that everybody fails.  The reality is, if you have never failed, you haven’t tried hard enough.  If you always stay within your comfort zone and never stretch yourself, you eliminate the risk of failure.  But, you also eliminate the potential for growth.

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So, once more into the breach I go.  Come Monday I will be taking another step into the unknown.  Scared as I am, I will try my hardest to walk in there with an open mind and an open heart.  To do anything less is to cheat myself.  It is the same when we start a new relationship, make a new friend, or start trying to lose weight for what feels like the 219th time.  Letting go of past “failures” is the most important, and often most difficult, first step to take.

I cannot tell you how excited and nervous I am.  Even as I write this, I am painfully aware of how flaky and changeable I must seem.  I desperately want this to work out.  I need to feel settled again.  So much of my identity and self worth is tied up with my professional life.  It is the corner piece of my jigsaw, without it being in place I find myself unable to work on anything else.  Routine is vitally important to me and in its absence it I struggle to keep my fitness, nutrition or pretty much anything else on track.  Wish me luck, and be well xxx

 

Articles

Anti-Social Anxiety?

We are approaching the half way point of 2018 and I find myself pausing to reflect on the past six months.  It has gone by in a blur and to say it has been hectic would be an understatement.  It seems like every weekend there has been something happening.  I was actually shocked when I looked at my diary today and saw a blank page where the upcoming weekend’s activity should be.

Between April and June we had three weddings to attend as well as my God Daughter’s christening.  The weddings were all beautiful, and each very different.  The first was my sister in law’s.  Next up was my best friend, I was her bridesmaid.  Last, but by no means least, was a very good friend of ours.  As I was getting ready to go to the third wedding, it stuck me that I was incredibly wound up.  Much more so than I would have expected to be.  After all, this was the third one in a six week period, it should have been old hat.  As well as that this wedding was the closest one to our house, a mere 15 minute drive.  Neither of us had a “role” in this wedding either.  We just needed to frock up and rock up.  So why did I feel like I was on my way to a job interview with an exam at the end?

I didn’t have much time to ponder this anxiety right then, I got in the car, and once at the hotel, with a drink in hand I started to relax.  It was a brilliant day and we had so much fun catching up with everyone.  In the days that followed, I started to feel pretty ridiculous.  What was causing this tension?  Was I suffering from some sort of social anxiety?  I had felt the same thing before the other two weddings, but I could kind of explain it away.  It’s natural to want to be at your best for a family wedding, right?  And of course being a bridesmaid is a big responsibility so my fears were perfectly rational, yeah?  But that doesn’t help explain why I was tense and snappy the morning of our friend’s big day.  Full disclosure, there may have been hair style related tears!

So what was causing this?  In truth, I have put on some weight and I am definitely not feeling as slim and slinky as I would like to, but this is not the reason.  I have felt like this at my biggest and at my smallest.  I have experienced it in designer dresses and in Penney’s best.  The only way I can describe it, is as a fear of being judged and found wanting.  I was chatting through this with a very good friend of mine last week and I likened it to the feeling you might get before going to a school reunion.  Worrying about how I would measure up.  Stressing about every detail of my appearance, and more irrationally, my life!

During the course of this conversation, I was amazed to hear my friend tell me that she often experiences the same thing.  She seemed all too well able to relate to my craziness.  She is one of the most together people I know.  If I had to give you an example of a woman with her ducks in  row, she would be top of the list.  I started to wonder, if she is feeling this way too, is everyone?  Are we all being plagued by the same feelings of inadequacy and dread when we are supposed to be having fun?  Are we going through an epidemic of anti-social anxiety?

The hilarious, and tragic, thing about the situation is that nobody really cares!  Most people are not going to give you or your outfit more than a cursory glance.  They certainly aren’t going to waste their time doing a full critique of your life.  Because, let’s face it, it doesn’t matter.  The proof of this is in my own experience.  While attending three weddings and one christening in close succession, I must have seen 300 people all dressed up.  Honestly, I would struggle to describe a handful of outfits, and as for hair and make-up, forget about it!

So, how do we prevent this feeling?  I wish I had the answer.  I wish I could tell you to dismiss it, put your best high heeled foot forward and have a blast, but that hasn’t worked for me so far.  The only thing which has helped me even slightly, is to recognise the feeling when it comes, and say to myself “Arwen, you have felt like this before and everything worked out fine.”  So, when it came to my gorgeous God Daughter’s christening, I did exactly that.  I was still carrying the extra weight.  Plus I had a huge cold sore on my lip, which was uncomfortable and prevented me from being able to wear my armour (lippy.)  However, I was determined to be truly present for my darling’s big day and not trapped in my own head.  So, I strapped on my big girl panties and off I went.

We all had a wonderful day and I know that when I look back on it, I will remember how happy we were and how honoured I felt to be asked to stand for her, not that my dress was a little snug.  Be well xxx