learning – Page 2 – Authentically Arwen

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich. – C.P. Cavafy

Do you ever get the feeling that you should be farther along your path than you are? Do you ever get frustrated by set backs? Do you tire of hearing yourself talk about starting over, again? Yeah? So do I.

As I sit writing this, it is “Blue Monday.” I am looking out at a black night. Neither of these however, is the source of my malaise. I feel depressed and down due to the sisyphus condition I find myself in. The near constant roundabout of a little progress followed by a big backslide, has started to wear me down. Just like in the Greek myth, I am beginning to wonder if I am destined to carry the same load up hill for all eternity.

I am not writing this because I want to host my own pity party. Or to elicit sympathy from my readers. Instead, I write because I promised you and myself, almost exactly three years ago, that I would always be authentic. It is extremely tempting to show only the highlights. To invite you in, only when my house is tidy and everything is in order. However to do that, would be to fail to honour the relationship we have built. The trust you show me, each time you turn up to read my words.

Late last year, I was invited to resign from my job. I watched a career that I had spent over a decade building crumble in the space of a single conversation. The words “you’re not right for the job,” have echoed in my mind many times since then. Reverberating and repeating. Their message clear, you are not enough.

I had always known that a lot of my self worth was tied up with my job. I am a natural striver, always obsessed with the next thing. An upward career trajectory was good way for me to channel this. What I had not known, was that when the label of accountant, professional and general good girl was taken away from me, I would struggle to recognise myself.

I wish I could tell you that this was limited to my professional life, but sadly that is not the case. I am routinely plagued by the curse of more. If I am fit, I want to be fitter. If I am thin, I want to lose more weight. When I fail it is all my fault and when I succeed it has nothing to do with me.

Lately I been doing some writing for another blog. A couple of weeks back, I did an interview with an up and coming athlete. My editor messaged me the day after it was published to let me know it had been the most read interview on the site. As a writer this should have thrilled me. Instead I immediately started to catalogue all of the possible explanations for the article’s popularity that didn’t involve its author. Conversely, when we publish an article of mine that doesn’t do so well, I am crushed. My inner demons launch into a chorus of “you’re not good enough, why would you even try?”

Daring Greatly

I have a small library of personal development literature at home. I have just finished Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Rarely has a book so profoundly affected me. I was literally moved to tears as I listened to her telling her stories. Her struggle to connect with vulnerability seemed to mirror my own almost exactly.

In her book, she asks so many important questions. But the one that struck me the hardest was this; In a world where enough is never enough, how can we cultivate a sense of worthiness? How can we learn to feel loved and lovable in a culture that values exhaustion and burn out over communication and connection?

I remember as a child and even into adulthood challenging both of my parents. I distinctly recall screaming at them “Why can’t you just be proud of me!” They would always assure me that they were. As I look back, I can see that was the truth. The chronic need for achievement came from inside me. Any words of support and encouragement they gave me were at best, a temporary balm.

As I have gone through life, the need for approval, the desire to be seen has remained. However, now it is not just my parents that I seek it from. The need to be relevant, to feel like I am enough, has brought me to some dark and dangerous places. I am caught in the vicious cycle of “I will be happy when… ” When my blog is a success. It won an award and still I wasn’t soothed. When the podcast reaches more listeners. How many will it take? When I am doing well at work. I am now a finance manager, and “successful” by any objective measure, but still nothing.

It is slowly dawning on me, with the help of those supporting me, that the feeling of being enough will never come from outside. It will not come from being athletic. It will not come packaged in skinny jeans. A good hair day, an orgasm, or a promotion will not conjure it. It can only come from within me. A truly terrifying prospect.

Becoming Enough

As I draft this post, the words of an Alanis Morissette song have been going through my head.

I’d be productive and still it would not come
I’d be celebrated still it would not come
I’d be the hero and still it would not come
I’d renunciate and still it would not come

I take comfort from knowing that if someone as wealthy, talented and accomplished as she can have these same sentiments, perhaps it is merely part of the human condition? Maybe we all have demons to slay. Perhaps the hardest thing is to set down the need for pleasing and perfecting, to just allow ourselves to be.

I know that I have a lot more work to do in this area. I have enlisted the help of a therapist as I set about unlearning the habits of a lifetime. Over the past few years I have driven myself to the point of exhaustion several times. The “not enough” feeling is impossible to out run. The only solution is to try to meet it head on.

I am committed to dealing with the shame that losing my job brought. To shining a big, bright light on it. Because shame loves the dark. It delights in festering in unlit corners, gaining strength and power. As I try to shed the pounds I gained when I was eating my feelings and too depressed to exercise, I am determined not to allow my self worth to depend on this.

At various stages of my life I have weighed less than 50kgs and over 80kg. I was not happy with my body at any stage. I am going to turn that narrative on its head. If my weight can’t make me happy, why should I let it make me unhappy? Brene Brown tells us that when we own our story, we get to write the ending. That fills me with great hope.

I am imperfect. I have flaws beyond counting. But yet, I am worthy. I am capable of giving love and receiving it in return. I have gifts to offer this world. I will enter the arena and fight. Overcoming these demons may turn out to be my life’s work. I will learn to be okay with that. I will not hurry the journey at all. Be well xxx

I started teaching Zumba a little over a year ago, and since then I have taught over 100 classes. That’s over 100 times that I have had the privilege to do something I had wanted to do for a long time, but I thought was beyond my reach. It is over 100 times that students have come to me, given me their money and their trust, and allowed me to share with them something I am truly passionate about. I have always loved dancing, but am not “professional” by any stretch of the imagination. Standing in front of people was a giant leap outside my comfort zone and for the first few weeks, I felt sure the adrenaline would completely overwhelm me.

Gradually I relaxed in to it and began to enjoy it more and more. I love teaching and it never feels like work. No matter how tired and sore I am, or how much of a crappy day I have had, as soon as the music comes on, a new energy starts flowing through me. It has been such an amazing experience so far, and I have learned so much. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on this and share with you a few of the lessons I have learned.

Expect The Unexpected: I am a classic over thinker. In the weeks leading up to my first class, I must have run through a million different scenarios in my mind, desperately trying to anticipate every eventuality. At one stage I had myself in a state worrying about not having enough €2 coins to give people their change. I mentioned this to my husband and he said “I can’t believe this is what you’re worrying about,” to which I replied “I think I have already worried about everything else!”

The truth of it is, as much anxiety as I caused myself, you simply cannot be prepared for everything life, or teaching, can throw at you. All you can do is be ready with your brightest smile if/when disaster strikes. Laugh it off, even if inside you’re screaming at the universe “why are you doing this to me?” Over the past year some crazy things have happened, none of which I had mentally run through, but I lived to tell the tale! I never did run out of €2. In fact, I am inundated with them and every time I bag them up I am reminded of my own silliness.

Ego is Not Your Amigo: I have read enough philosophy, both ancient and modern, to understand intellectually that Ego is The Enemy (thank you Ryan Holiday) however, that doesn’t stop me getting caught up with it in the heat of the moment.

I wasn’t teaching long when a new student came to my class. She was a German girl, and I asked her, like I ask all new students, if she had done Zumba before. I wasn’t at all prepared for her to say, “Yes, I’m a Zumba instructor.” I can’t begin to describe to you the level of panic I experienced in that moment. I was convinced she would judge me and worse yet, find me wanting. In reality, this lady just wanted to come and dance. She was very sweet and after a little while my nerves subsided.

A couple of weeks later, she was in class and we were dancing to Tip Toe by Jason Derulo. She was getting really into it and clearly enjoying herself. I found myself almost competing with her, as irrational as that is. The more energetic she got, the more intensity I put into my own moves. I ended up tweaking my calf and having to disguise my discomfort for the rest of the class. It was a painful reminder of the damage that ego can do!

Don’t Take It Personally: This particular lesson has been hard learned. Sometimes people come to class once and never return. In fact this happens quite a lot. In the beginning I was convinced that this was some failure on my part. Truthfully, it is still very tempting to think this way. When I look at it objectively though, it is easy to see that there are a million reasons people stop coming. They get busy. The time doesn’t suit them anymore. Their friend stops coming and they don’t want to come alone. Maybe they can’t afford it, or maybe Zumba just isn’t for them? None of these reasons have anything to do with me or any other instructor. Simply put, I am not that important! Ego, again! All I can do it create a safe environment so people know they are welcome to return anytime.

Some students find it easier to watch another student than the instructor. This can be because they have positioned themselves in such a way that they don’t have a clear view. It can also be because the instructor generally faces the class to teach and the students mirror him/her. Some people just have a hard time following this. Again, this is absolutely nothing to do with the teacher. The first time I noticed this happening, I was highly put out! But I quickly got a grip. Seriously Arwen, as long as the students are moving, sweating and having fun, it doesn’t matter if they are looking at you, each other or their own feet!

There’s No Way to Speed Up Experience: I am a very impatient person, especially with myself. I want to be an expert at everything I attempt straight away. I don’t have time for the whole learning thing! When I first began teaching, just remembering the steps was about all I could manage. Any little thing could distract me and throw me off. It didn’t matter if it was someone walking in late or people laughing (or grimacing,) it would immediately make me forget where I was. This frustrated me so much. I just wanted to get to the stage where it all at least appeared to be effortless, even if it really wasn’t.

As I got more experience under my belt, these interruptions fazed me less and less. I am now at the stage where I can dance, sing, smile, cue and count all at the same time. Just last night I had a lady straight up free styling in class, and I was able to appreciate how brilliant this was, and laugh with her, without missing a beat. I promise you, if you are struggling with something now, as long as it’s something you actually want to do it, stick with it. It will get easier. It will happen so gradually, you may not even notice it, but then one day you will be screaming “look Ma, no hands!

Mistakes are a Part of The Process: There’s a saying in our industry “There are no mistakes in Zumba, just unexpected solos,” and it’s very true. In the beginning of my teaching career, I was terrified of making mistakes. When I missed a step or lost my place, I would berate myself, convinced that the students would A. Notice and B. Care. When, in fact, most times, they do neither. When I look back on classes I attended as a student, I don’t remember the instructor making a mistake that anyone talked about.

I still don’t like making mistakes, obviously, and I do everything I can to avoid them. However, just like in all other aspects of life, they happen. The best thing to do is just to try to get over it as quickly as possible. Take whatever learnings there are from it and move on. Nobody is perfect in this world, and I think sometimes it can even help students to see their instructor make the odd mistake. It takes the pressure of them to try to be perfect.

I have learned so much about myself in the past year, I really can’t put it all into words. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has supported me, either by attending a class or by giving advice and encouragement. It means the world to me. I have so much more to learn and I am still excited to see where this adventure will lead me. Be well xxx

Tag: learning

Being Enough

Daring Greatly

Becoming Enough

100 Lessons, What Have I Learned?