Tag: Weight loss journey

Articles

Locked In

Authentically Arwen

A funny thing happened to me last week at the gym.  I had popped into the bathroom before class, and as I was leaving the key got stuck in the door.  It literally only took me about 5 seconds to unstick it and release the lock, but in that time I had managed to work myself up into a frenzied state.  Panic rose up in my chest and I could feel tears threatening.  The experience left me feeling a little shaken and very foolish.

I mentioned it to one of my coaches, sort of making a joke out of it.  He innocently asked me if I had ever gotten locked in a bathroom as a child, and funnily enough I had.  I had almost forgotten that as a young child I had locked myself in the bathroom of a family friend’s house.  I ended up having to throw the key out the bathroom window, so my mother could retrieve it and rescue her traumatized child!  My mother never liked locked doors.  She feared that in the unlikely event of a fire, she wouldn’t be able to get to us.  So, I would have been quite unused to the feeling of being trapped somewhere.

Having spoken to my coach, it amazed me to realise that almost 30 years later, this experience is still effecting me.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not “ruining my life” or making me want to run to a shrink or anything, but it has clearly left a little imprint on me.  It made me start to wonder how many other marks I might have picked up over the years.  How much of my current behaviour is determined by past events?  How often do we repeat the same patterns of behaviour, without even realising we do it?

One such pattern of behaviour that I seem to be locked in to has revealed itself recently.  As many regular readers will know, I have struggled with my weight for many years.  Lately, I have come to realise that each and every time I get to within a kilo or two of my goal weight, I just stop.  I stall at first and then I actually begin to go backwards.  I start doing ridiculous things like ordering take out twice a week and drinking far more than I normally would.  I can’t focus on my training, and I get into a negative feedback loop.  I feel like a loser for not being able to continue making progress.  I question my commitment.  I ask myself how could I be so stupid?  I know full well that my actions are not in congress with my goals, but yet I can’t seem to straighten myself out.

Why is it that I do this?  Truthfully, I am not entirely sure.  One theory I have is that I am scared to reach the finish line.  What if it doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would?  What if I am still not happy with myself?  What will I do then?  Maybe it’s because I have been actively trying to loose weight for so long, that I don’t quite know what I will do with myself when this is over?

Truthfully though the why, in this case, doesn’t really matter.  Sure it’s certainly interesting and possibly insightful to know that the reason I freaked out about being locked in was because of a past event.  However, knowing this isn’t going to set me free any sooner!  Life puts obstacles and stumbling blocks in our way all the time.  Some are external and some are internal.  Understanding the reason they got there is all very well and good, but knowing how to get around them is far more powerful.

I have come to understand lately, that each time this obstacle cropped up for me, I have tried to tackle it in the same way.  Like the very definition of insanity, continually doing the same thing and expecting different results.  I would fight and struggle and push and strain trying to get this damn thing out of the way.  Like the unstoppable force when it meets the immovable object, I was relentless.  Until eventually, my energy depleted and I would be left exhausted, defeated and no closer to the goal.

Sisyphus, in Greek mythology, was a sinner.  As punishment for his sins, he was condemned to spend all of eternity pushing a heavy boulder up hill, only to watch it roll back down again.  Forever locked in a cycle of exerting enormous energy, only to see it all come to nothing.  I can’t help wondering just how many of us have condemned ourselves to the same fate?  How many of us continually try to force the obstacles we encounter out of our path, instead of trying to find a way to simply go around them.

For me, encountering this same stumbling block again, I have decided to face it with a different perspective.  It’s a familiar adversary by now, and I have come to know how it plays the game.  I have decided instead of trying to tackle it head on, I will go under it, or over it, or around it.  I will, in short, do the exact opposite of what I have done until now.  In the past, I would have beaten myself up for all of the things I felt I was doing wrong.  This time, I am keeping a gratitude journal, and writing each day about the things which I felt went well.  During previous battles, I would have tortured myself for hours each night in the gym.  This time, I am focusing on enjoying my workouts and having fun.  I take walks at lunchtime to clear my head and get into the sun, not to “burn calories.”

I know that this phase will pass, so I will conserve my energy for when I come out the other side.  Will this strategy work?  Who knows!  But at least I will know I have tried something different this time.  As unpleasant as the thought may be, our past experiences shape us.  Like tiny threads, woven into the fabric, trying to unpick them may cause more harm than good.  However, when we become aware of a pattern of behaviour, which we have become locked in to, we have an opportunity to choose to do something else instead xxx

 

Articles

“I Know S”

Authentically Arwen

I love Game of Thrones.  It is hands down my favourite TV show.  I love it so much, in fact, that my husband and I recently watched all 5 seasons from beginning to end.  I was amazed at the amount of nuances I had failed to pick up on the first time around.  One scene in particular struck a chord with me.

It is in season 5, episode 2.  The Princess Shireen is teaching Gilly to read.  They are sitting together, pouring over an old manuscript, concentrating on the letter s.  Sam looks up from the book he is himself reading and asks Gilly “Did you know the youngest Lord Commander in history, Osric Stark, was elected at age ten?” to which Gilly replies “I know S.”  To me, this seemed like a perfect example of focusing on the process, and not on the prize.  Gilly had mastered one letter in the alphabet, only 25 more to go!

I have found myself thinking about this scene a lot in recent weeks.  I was promoted at work, and as often happens, the transition from one role to the next has been anything but smooth.  Due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, I found myself rather thrown in at the deep end.  It came to month end and all I could think was “I can’t do this!” “I don’t know what I’m doing!”  “nobody showed me!” etc. etc.

I didn’t really have the luxury to wallow in this for long, so before panic well and truly set in I asked myself, well Arwen, what can you do?  Can you look at last months file and try to recreate it?  Can you ask your colleagues for help?  Can you apply your experience, education and good sense to the problem and try to work through it?  Can you find your S and start from there?

Just like any task or problem that at first seems daunting and insurmountable, I was able to keep breaking it down, into smaller and smaller components until I found something I felt confident enough to attempt.  I was able to focus on the process and not allow myself to be freaked out about an end point I felt sure I would never reach.

I think it’s important to do the very same thing when it comes to tackling anything that scares us.  Be it trying to lose weight, trying to get fitter or even trying to learn a language or an instrument.  Maybe the thought of making radical changes to your lifestyle is horribly off-putting, so break it down, and down again until you find the thing you can do.  Maybe you’re terrified of joining the gym, okay, can you commit to taking a walk each day and build up from there?  Perhaps you don’t have any cookery skills and have to eat out a lot, okay, can you find a cook book you like and even try one new thing each week?  There are no hard and fast rules here.  Remember, this is your process, you get to drive it.

I remember, years ago, my brother and I decided to take guitar lessons together.  I was about 23 and my brother would have been about 12.  We found a wonderful teacher, and both enjoyed the lessons immensely.  For many reasons, my brother progressed a lot faster than I did.  He was more committed and practiced a lot more.  I was juggling a full time job, part time study and a whole host of other “stuff” and so didn’t put in the time it required.  My brother, who is naturally gifted, I must add, is now a successful musician and the pride of the family.  I, on the other hand, wouldn’t know how to play one song!  He invested in the process, and so, he got the prize.

I think as we get older, we lose the skill of learning.  I know one of the biggest barriers to me with the guitar was that I was painfully aware of just how awful I sounded.  I was so self-conscious that I wouldn’t practice if anyone else was in the house. Ridiculous, I know, but this is what we do.  We are so busy trying to hide our ignorance and look like we know it all, that we miss out on the opportunity to learn and to grow.  As adults we forget just how long it took us to learn to read or to ride a bike.  As children we fell dozens of times and got straight back on, as grown ups, one slight stumble deters us forever.  We have forgotten what it means to try.

From now on, I am going to try to remember how to try.  I will allow myself to fail, and to keep on trying.  I will accept that there will always be someone who knows more than I do, and recognise that this is a good thing.  I will endeavour to leverage the knowledge and experience of my friends and colleagues to further my own education.  I will aim to never stop learning. But, most importantly, I will remember that although I may not have it all worked out, at least “I know S!”

Articles

Big, Fat BUTS!

Authentically Arwen

My father was born in California and has always held some of the wide-eyed optimism associated with America’s West Coast.  I lost count of the number of times growing up I heard him proclaim the Irish to be a “Nation of begrudgers!”  Unfortunately, I must admit that I have often found this to be the case myself.  People never seem to like to see their neighbours or friends doing well, or getting “ideas” about themselves.  It is only recently, however, that I have begun to notice how often we do this to ourselves.

We cheat ourselves out of celebrating our achievements with alarming regularity.  I remember the Weight Watchers meetings.  Sitting there waiting on the others to be weighed in.  They would come back and take their seats to a chorus of “well, how did you get on?”  It seemed that no matter what the weight loss was, the person always followed it up with a big fat BUT!  “I lost 5lbs, BUT I was expecting more,” or “Down 2st now, BUT still a long way to go.”

Slimmers do this too when they buy new clothes.  They will slide into a sleek size ten and no sooner then they have it zipped up then they will start exclaiming “Ah, BUT the sizes are big in here!”  Ok, yes, I acknowledge dress sizes can be whacky at times.  You can pull two seemingly identical dresses off the rack and one will fit and one won’t.  This can be frustrating and certainly I wouldn’t be surprised to fit into a dress one size bigger or smaller than normal.  However, if you were a size 18 in the past and you are now strutting around the fitting room in a 10, this is not a sizing issue.  This is what I call a “Hell Yeah moment!”

Believe me when I tell you, these moments don’t come around too often, so enjoy them to the fullest when they do.  I am not sure what it is that prevents us from doing exactly this.  Is it that we don’t want to be perceived as vain or arrogant?  Could it be that we don’t want make others, who may be struggling, feel bad?  Or is it simply that we feel we don’t deserve it?

Other areas of lifestyle change can also suffer these effects.  It seems that every time I try to learn something new, be it double unders or pull ups or handstands, I say to myself “if I could just get one, I would be so happy”  What happens in reality, is that no sooner have I done one, than I want to string ten together!  Of course a certain amount of this is healthy.  It’s good to keep pushing yourself and to want to progress.  But there is also a lot to be said for taking a beat to celebrate what you have just achieved.  You don’t need to run around the gym high five-ing everyone in sight, but a little Hell yeah is definitely encouraged.

This self deprecation, whatever the cause, is not limited to health and fitness.  We take the wind out of our own sails in work, relationships and personal achievements too.  In fact, I would find it difficult to find an area of my own life, which has not been subjected to this treatment.  You know how it is?  Yes, it’s great that you got a new car, BUT it’s not brand new.  Yes, it’s wonderful to get a promotion, BUT it didn’t come with as big a raise as you were hoping for.  We constantly begrudge ourselves our own happiness.  It’s relentless and it’s crazy.

Mindfulness and gratitude are very topical at the moment.  Everyone is reminding us to appreciate all we have.  I can’t help wondering though, if we may be forgetting something important.  I wonder do we ever take the time to be grateful for ourselves.  To celebrate the milestones and to acknowledge the work that went into bringing them about.  I saw a Robin Sharma quote recently that said “Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.”  I was struck by how simple and powerful this message is.  These little achievements, that we are so quick to but away, are what will set the years apart from each other.

In life there will always be someone ready to talk you down.  Try not to add your own voice to the dissenting rabble.  I am just as guilty of this as anyone else.  So, I am setting myself a challenge.  For the next 30 days, if I receive a compliment, I will just say “thank you!”  I will not try to brush it off, or even tell the person that it was €3 in Penneys!  More importantly, for the next month every time I achieve something, no matter how small I will be grateful.  I will acknowledge the moment and be present in it.  NO BUTS.  Why not try this with me?  Perhaps we may see the world reflected more positively when we stop trying to take the good out of it xxx