This week we talk to the amazing and inspirational Jacqui Twohig. Jacqui is a prime example of the wonderful things the female body can do. From her own weight loss journey through to bikini competitions to being an expectant mom. Take a listen xxx
I love Fitty & Fatty | Fitty and Fatty Ep,11 – Expectations of Exercise and Best Food to Eat When Bloated, let’s play it!
So long Scroll Free September, make way for Sober October! I have been looking for a playful euphemism or a colourful metaphor to dress this up, but the truth of it is, for the last while I have been drinking too much. Not in the “drinking problem” sense but simply in the “this is not good for my overall health” sense. My husband and I have been planning to take a break from alcohol for ages now, but there was always some reason (read excuse) why it wasn’t a good time. There was always a wedding, holiday or other occasion on the horizon, which made the idea of going tee total a daunting prospect. We now find ourselves at the closing of the year. Christmas is fast approaching and party season will be here before we know it, so it was pretty much now or never.
Those of you who are regular readers will know that 2018 has been a bit of a roller coaster for me. Between my full time job, of which I have had three, and my side projects, I can end up feeling like I am working all the time. There have been a lot of changes and often by the time the weekend comes along, I am too exhausted to attempt anything more energetic than binge watching Netflix in my pjs with a glass of wine or a nice cold beer. Alcohol became a way to differentiate weekend nights from week nights! I wouldn’t describe myself as a binge drinker, I rarely, if ever get drunk. However, two or three drinks, a few nights a week quickly adds up to way more than the 11 unit safe drinking limit (17 for men.)
These habits crept in over the space of about a year. What had once been limited to Friday and Saturday started creeping into some of the other evenings too. I was definitely starting to feel the effect on my energy levels. It’s never as easy getting up in the morning after even a couple of drinks. As well as that, I am not getting any younger. I will be turning 37 next month and it’s time to stop taking my health completely for granted. I am well aware of the health risks associated with excessive alcohol consumption, especially for women, and I am not arrogant enough to think I should be lucky enough to escape them. From this week I will be teaching an extra Zumba class. This brings the total to 4 per week, and with the stress this will put on my body, I need to do all I can to mind it. Alcohol certainly will not help with that!
I am sure there will be lots of other benefits of having a dry month. I am looking forward to having more energy and to waking up refreshed on the weekends. I am also looking forward to having a little more money in my purse. But mostly I am looking forward to the challenge. I am sure the first weekend will be difficult. We Irish are notorious for having our social lives revolving almost entirely around a pint! Like many Irish families, ours has not escaped the effects alcoholism. I am acutely aware of this, and of its tendency towards heredity. This makes it even more important for me to get my drinking under control before it actually does become a problem! Who knows, it might become a permanent change.
As always, feel free to join me in my latest challenge. Wish me luck (and please send cinema recommendations) I will keep you posted on my progress. Be well xxx
I have been tinkering with this blog for almost 3 years now. It has become a dear friend and trusted confidant. Over the years it has allowed me to express myself in ways I hadn’t known possible. A little while ago, I entered a blogging competition and honestly had zero expectations. I am shocked, amazed and humbled beyond belief to have made it to the final in the health and wellness category. Thank you to everyone who has visited the blog since it started. You guys are awesome.
I can’t help but remember back to when it was just an idea. I had thought about it for so long. Hmming and hawing, second guessing and procrastinating. I worried so much about how it would be received. What would people say? What would they think? I can’t speak to what they might be thinking, but as of yet I have not received any negative feedback. I was prepared for trolls, but they have remained under their bridges up till now anyway!
Recently, my sister and I started a Podcast. As always when I take on a new project, I was filled with trepidation and fear. Imagining every eventuality and doing a fair amount of catastrophizing. As I write this, we have two episodes aired. A new episode will drop every Monday. Naturally we have experienced some teething problems and are learning A LOT. The learning curve is a steep one, but not insurmountable. Astonishingly, nothing catastrophic has befallen us so far. I am usually a solo flier, and it has been so nice to have my sister on this adventure with me. My brother is producing the show for us, so it’s pretty much a family affair.
The Podcast is in a similar vein to the blog. We talk about health, fitness and lifestyle and try to get to the truth behind some of the myths. We also talk about food a lot, and anything else we stumble across. It is all done with the honesty you have come to expect from me. We are on all the major platforms. I would love you to check it out, Fitty and Fatty
That’s enough of the shameless self promotion.
What I really wanted to say in this post is that incredible things do happen. If you put yourself out there and take a chance. Opportunity does knock, but only if you leave the porch light on. If there’s something you have been wanting to do for ages, please go and do it. If it doesn’t work out, so what? If it does, who knows where it could take you! And if you end up being up for an award, please let me know. Be well xxx
PS. For anyone looking for an update on Scroll Free September. It has been going well. I am not struggling at all really. This blog automagically uploads to the Facebook page, so I promise I haven’t been cheating.
This week, my husband and I are heading off on a long overdue holiday. We will be married five years in November, and this is our first trip abroad since our honeymoon. We are heading to Portugal, and I genuinely can’t wait. Normally, in the days and weeks before going away, I would be frantically researching everything from the cultural hot spots to the cuisine. The past few months have been so hectic, however, that I really haven’t had an opportunity. What is even more peculiar is that I really don’t care. I am so looking forward to just taking some time out. I am excited about lying in the sun (hopefully,) sipping Super Boc and eating Piri Piri chicken. I may also indulge in my latest guilty pleasure, listening to true crime Pod Casts.
When we booked this trip, back in January, my plan was to lose about 3kgs before jetting off. That didn’t happen. Between weddings, celebrating my new job, and fretting over my sick doggy, I simply haven’t had the time, energy or inclination a serious cut requires. I was expecting to feel disappointed about this. I mean, nobody wants to be going on vacation with excess baggage after all, but to be honest, I don’t really mind. This has surprised me a lot. Looking back on pretty much every major occasion in my life to date, my weight was always a serious concern. Something has definitely changed, and it isn’t the number on the scale.
A couple of weeks ago, I did something I haven’t done in over 15 years. I bought, and fully intend to wear, a couple of bikinis. Yes, I will admit trying them on was approached with a degree of trepidation. I knew I probably wasn’t going to love what I saw in the dressing room mirror. However, it wasn’t as terrible as I had feared. I found a few that weren’t absolutely awful and managed to complete my purchases without anyone so much as raising an eyebrow! Yes, I am sure I will feel self conscious when I brave the bikini for the first time, but I think the extra vitamin D will be worth it. Plus it means I won’t have to wrangle myself out of a damp swimsuit every time I need to pee!
Maybe it’s because I am getting older, or perhaps I am gaining a little in confidence, but I don’t seem to be as bothered as I once was about how my body is perceived. As I said, for 15 years, I wouldn’t have dreamed of donning a bikini. This brings me to the realisation that for all of my 20’s and half of my 30’s I was body shaming myself! Because the truth is, nobody else gave a second thought about my choice of swimwear. I am not that important. For a decade and a half, I let my negative thoughts about my body hold me back. Not only did it stop me from participating in certain things, but it actually made me feel guilty for enjoying myself. Every bite of cake or fruity cocktail needed to be earned or absolved. I over analysed every situation so much that it took the fun out of everything. There were so many things which should have been celebrated and weren’t. I won’t get a do over for those, the opportunity has passed, but now I make it my business to celebrate every damn thing!
Last weekend I celebrated my best friends wedding. She and I have been through so much together during our 20 year friendship. I was incredibly proud and privileged to stand beside her on her big day. I have been looking at all the photos her guests have been posting on social media over the past couple of days. All I can see is how happy we all look and how beautiful a day it was. For once, I am not fixated on finding flaws with myself. I am not obsessing over how fat my arms are, or how many chins I have. I can’t begin to tell you how liberating is. I feel like I have set myself free to be happy and to enjoy my life, now, not in 3kgs time!
This isn’t to say I never intend to lose any more weight. I have just shifted the focus. It isn’t the most important thing to me anymore and it will not determine my happiness. While I wouldn’t say that 2018 has been a terrible year so far, I would admit that it has been very full on, and at times it has been challenging! With my new job starting in a couple of weeks, it doesn’t look set to ease off any time soon. With this is mind, I am determined to make the most of my week away. We have worked damn hard to make it happen and I am not going to let anyone, least of all myself, ruin it for us.
For many years, I was a deeply unhappy girl. I used to think it was because I didn’t look the way I wanted to. Lately, I have started to think that far from being the cause of my problems, the weight was merely a convenient scapegoat. Assuring myself that I would be happy if I just lost x more kilos, saved me from having to address what was really going on. I weigh exactly the same today as I did on my wedding day in 2013, but I am a totally different woman. I laugh more easily. I love more deeply. I see joy everywhere and none of that has the slightest thing to do with my weight.
I have made a vow to myself that I will not leave it so long between breaks ever again. This could prove easier said than done, as sadly these things are not always within our control, but we can try. We can learn to recognise when we need to pause. We can identify the feeling of needing to breathe. We can accept help when it is offered and ask for it when necessary. But, most importantly, we can celebrate!! Be well xx
It’s my birthday next week, again! Birthdays are always a time of mixed feelings for me. A period of reflection on the past year and of planning for the coming one. But this, my 36th birthday, feels very different. When I look back on everything that has happened in the last 12 months, I actually can’t believe it.
The last year has seen me taking lots of small, seemingly insignificant steps, which have somehow accumulated to bring me so much closer to my “dream life” than I could have thought possible when I was turning 35! Slowly, almost imperceptibly, I have begun to change. So here’s the run down!
I started coaching nutrition clients! Even as I type this, I almost can’t believe it. After all the training, the research and my own trial and error, this year it was finally time to take the plunge. I was wracked with impostor syndrome. I felt sure someone would interrupt my presentation to ask “why should we be listening to you, what do you know?” Surprisingly, this did not happen. Naturally, I was very nervous during that first presentation, but I think I relaxed in to it. Six weeks later when I was closing out with that first group, it felt like no big deal anymore!
The other big thing that happened is that I qualified as a Zumba instructor and recently began to teach classes. I have spoken about this in previous posts, so suffice is to say, the nerves and anxiety were back with a vengeance. Even attending the training I felt like a fraud. I didn’t have the right gear, I wasn’t as good as the other girls, I wasn’t fit enough, etc., etc., etc! Of course, this was ridiculous. Both training days were a complete blast. I can’t think of a better way to spend a day than dancing with 50 like minded ladies. I have even signed up for another course in December.
When it came to teaching that first class, I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. The things I came up with to fret about! I was terrified of my mind going blank and forgetting all the steps, even though I had spent countless hours practicing. I was nervous people would question my previous experience. What was I going to say if people asked how long I had been teaching for? Would it make me less credible if I admitted that this was my first class? What if nobody turned up? What if too many people showed up? What should I wear? On and on it went. I can confidently say that my mind ran though every possible eventuality and even a few impossible ones! My over thinking kept me awake at night. For the weeks leading up to the maiden class, my walks, drives, showers and even dreams were all done to a Latin soundtrack!
The night eventually came, and although my performance was far from flawless, we all got through it. I fumbled a few steps, but I think I got away with it. I followed the advice of my own Zumba instructor who said “keep it simple and don’t forget to smile!” The ladies were lovely and not one of them asked to see my credentials. Even better, they all came back the following week! When I woke up the morning after, my body felt like it had been run over. It was only then did I realise just how tense I had been.
Another big change lately, has been starting the low FODMAP diet. After more than a decade of struggling with digestive problems, I am excited to think that maybe I can “fix” it with dietary and lifestyle interventions, as opposed to medication. I am only two weeks in and it’s really too early to tell if it’s working, but I will definitely be writing a full post about it in the coming weeks. Ironically, the IBS issues combined with my struggles with my weight, have been what has inspired the other big changes in my life.
I trained in nutrition initially, so that I could help myself. I was deeply frustrated by reading and listening to conflicting advice, so I resolved to become my own expert. I figured nobody would have more of a vested interest in my health and fitness than I would, so it was ultimately up to me. The reason I wanted to coach others, is so that I could give other people the type of help I wish I had had all those years ago.
It was a very similar story when it came to Zumba. At the very beginning of my fitness journey, it was there. Providing a fun, non threatening and body positive way for me to get a sweat on. For the first couple of classes I lingered at the back, trying to make myself invisible. As the weeks went on, I could feel myself coming out of my shell, and although I never became a #frontrowdiva, I definitely grew in confidence. I want to give that to other people. I want to empower women to reconnect with their bodies and to feel sexy and gorgeous, even if it is only for an hour!
If this year has taught me anything, it is the importance of Why. If you can search inside yourself and be honest with why you want to do something, it can be extremely powerful. I warn you, such close examination of your motivations can be painful. I spent ages getting close to it, and then backing away. The truth of it is this. In my twenties, when I struggled with my weight, was unfit and unhealthy, I needed someone. I didn’t need a nutritionist or a trainer necessarily, what I needed was for someone to say “I know you are sad now, but you won’t always be.” I needed someone to show me there was light on the other side of the darkness.
This is what motivates me to try to help other people. It might not be glamourous or exciting, but it is honest. I believe that when I stand in front of people and ask them to trust me, the authenticity of my motives comes though. While having years of experience is invaluable, being passionate and authentic is just as important. For me, it isn’t about money, or social media “fame.” It is about taking a chance that I could reach even one person, who might be feeling like I was back then. I want to tell them you won’t always be sad xxx
Last week, my husband and I spent a few days in County Donegal. We took Annie, our German Shepherd with us, and rented a cottage in a remote area called Gweedore. The cottage was very close to vast, unspoiled beaches and I was so looking forward to experiencing the wilderness effect.
The weeks leading up to the trip had been extremely stressful. Work had been nightmarish and between running my nutrition group and trying to get ready to start teaching Zumba, it was all systems go (as usual!) I felt completely exhausted. It was to the point that I went to the doctor for blood tests. I was convinced there must be something wrong with me. Surely it couldn’t be “normal” to be so bloody tired all the time. I was spending all day dragging myself around. Dying to get to bed at night, only to lie there looking at the ceiling instead of being asleep.
Thankfully the blood tests came back all clear. I am the picture of health, if only I felt it!! The only thing the fatigue could be down to was either a hormonal issue (a change in pill was prescribed to try rule that out,) or stress/burn out. The week of the trip my mouth erupted in cold sores. A sure sign that I was run down. I felt fragile and tearful. I can honestly say, if I had had to last another week in work without a break, I may have had a break down!
Finally, the departure day arrived. Even packing seemed like such an effort. I made the decision to leave my make-up bag and hairdryer at home. I claimed this was a nod to minimalism, but it was more that I couldn’t be bothered trying to sort that out. It was all I could do to throw some clothes in a bag, grab my doggy and hit the road.
No sooner were we on the road, when I felt myself beginning to unwind. A whole wonderful week lay ahead of me with no work, no gym, no housework or responsibilities. Imagine, an entire seven days with no schedule to keep. The thought of it made me giddy, or it would have if I hadn’t been so drained!
We arrived at the cottage just as dusk settled. Stepping out of the car, taking a big stretch after the long drive, I took a deep breath. As air scented with turf fires and sea salt filled my lungs, I began to wonder when was the last time I had done that? When was the last time I had really allowed myself to breathe?
The few days we spent in Donegal were pure bliss. Waking naturally, enjoying a leisurely brunch while planning the day’s adventures. We spent hours tramping the beaches with Annie, watching her running through the surf. Laughing at her jumping into boggy water and seeing her delight at how dirty she was getting. We spent a lovely afternoon in Glen Veagh National Park, wandering and exploring. We walked for hours every day, my FitBit was on overdrive. The evenings were spent just hanging out, watching movies we had already seen, and enjoying not having anywhere to be. I slept better than I had in months.
We drove up to Donegal in the rain, and we drove home in the rain. In between journeys we were blessed with bright sunshine and clear blue skies. We couldn’t have asked for more. The sea air and wild terrain were such a tonic. As the days wore on, I felt like a weight was being lifted off me. I began to feel myself relaxing for the first time in I don’t remember how long. For the first time in ages, I was content just to sit and do nothing.
The best part of the trip, for me, was seeing how much fun Annie was having. As a 35kg German Shepherd, there aren’t too many places we can let her run wild and free. But along the deserted coast lines we were able to do exactly that. It was amazing to see her come to life and embrace her new found freedom. It made me realise that I am not entirely unlike her. I spend all my time restrained and restricted. Adhering to schedules and rules. Just like my puppy, I am beginning to understand that I too need time to be wild and free.
Coming back to reality this week, I have made myself a few promises. Firstly, I have vowed to never go that long without a break again. I have also promised to be more aware of the signs of overload and to take steps to avoid ending up feeling the way I have recently felt. I am committed to exploring more of this beautiful country of ours and to take advantage of the wildernesses on our doorstep.
The trip away has proved to be exactly what the doctor ordered. In the isolation, I was able to find my way back to myself. I love being around people and would consider myself very social. I had forgotten just how important time spent alone and quiet can be. I didn’t even miss my make-up. Be well xxx
I was first introduced to Zumba in 2012. I had finished my accountancy exams the previous December, and by the time the results came out in February, I had watched as many Soaps as I cared to. I was overweight, unhappy and bored. I knew something needed to be done. So, like many others, I joined my local leisure centre. I had my new runners, my training gear, the whole bit. What I didn’t possess was any confidence. I trembled at the thought of looking foolish on the gym floor, when I clearly had no idea what I was doing. So, I sought sanctuary of the studio!
Within 20 minutes of starting my first Zumba class, I was in love. My instructor Angela was amazing. She had the perfect body (when she danced nothing moved) and she was so energetic, confident and passionate. I had a total girl crush. I didn’t care that I was hopelessly uncoordinated and was at no stage doing the same moves as anyone else in the class. I just loved moving to those Latin beats and learning to sweat for the first time. What made it even better was that the class was on a Friday night, making it the perfect gateway to the weekend. Before long, I was truly hooked.
I remember thinking how amazing it would be to become an instructor. However, I quickly dismissed the idea. How could I ever hope to inspire anyone as Angela had inspired me? I definitely was not confident, I wasn’t a dancer or a personal trainer, and believe me when I tell you that when I danced, EVERYTHING moved! I buried that secret dream way at the back of my mind and focused on other things.
Time passed and I moved away from Zumba to try my hand at other forms of training. I did Crossfit for a while and strength and conditioning after that. However, a spate of injuries meant I couldn’t get any momentum going and I became increasingly frustrated. Earlier this year I made the decision (with a heavy heart) to take a break from that style of training. So, back I went to the same local gym.
This time I felt so much more confident. It didn’t bother me (as much) to take my place in the weight room or to do my thing on the gym floor. But, I still loved the classes offered. Spinning, TRX, HIIT and of course Zumba. Anything that gets the heart pumping and the endorphins flowing, I found impossible to resist. It didn’t take too many Friday night classes before I began to wonder again… Maybe, just maybe I could teach this? Maybe it wasn’t as crazy as I thought it was? I decided to check it out.
I went on line and saw that there was an instructors’ training course taking place just a couple of weeks later. Was it a sign? Not knowing how regularly the courses came up and terrified of missing my chance, I booked it! Almost immediately panic set in. Who the hell was I trying to kid? I am an accountant FFS. I have no business standing in front of a class. I would be immediately exposed as a fraud. Eventually, however, I convinced myself to go to the course. I talked to my instructor and she assured me that I would emerge unscathed (thank you Audrey!) I figured I had paid for it, so I may as well go, and sure what’s the worst that could happen? GULP!
So, off I went and honestly, it was amazing. I had such a brilliant day, met lots of cool people, learned so much and generally had a blast. #Zumbaislife! Until Monday. Inevitably work and the day to day took center stage again, and all thoughts of embarking on a new adventure were relegated to the realms of pipe dreams.
The problem is, I have this friend. Every time I saw her she would ask me “so, what’s happening with the Zumba thing?” and every time I would offer some lame responses, “I’m still looking in to it” or “I’m just so busy at work right now.” Seriously though, she was relentless. It got to the point where I agreed to contact my local community center about holding a class there, as much to satisfy her as anything else! Imagine then, my horror, when the community centre agreed to host me! I was completely overwhelmed and daunted. Not only about the actual class, but also the logistics of marketing it and even getting people to show up.
As luck would have it, work got crazy and it looked like I was going to be spending a significant amount of time travelling. I wasn’t going to be able to commit to teaching a class at least until things settled down. There was no choice but to cancel it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little relieved. No sooner had I emailed to cancel the class, when the work situation changed again. Just like that I had neither the exciting work adventure or the Zumba class to look forward to.
I was flattened, and horribly conflicted. One side of me is Arwen the accountant. Who has spent a long time building a career and doing a pretty good job. But the other side of me wants to be writing, teaching and coaching. I had always assumed that this conflict would eventually resolve itself. One side of me would naturally become dominant and that would be that. At this particular time both personas had suffered a huge blow and I really struggled to know what to do for this best. I felt utterly lost and confused.
I was still in this state of mind when I found myself at The Better Life Project’s Empowered Women Workshop. During the course of the day Sarah spoke about feelings we often have. Voices in the back of our minds saying “who am I to do such and such a thing?” This really resonated with me. It was the exact question I had been asking myself for so long. “Who am I to try to teach Zumba?” “who am I to assume I can coach people?” I don’t have the perfect body, I don’t have a dancing background, even after two training course and hundreds of hours of practice, I still trip over my feet at times.
Sarah advised us to re-frame these questions. Instead of asking who am I to do it, ask who am I NOT to do it. Oh wow, talk about a light bulb moment. She was so right. Who am I not to use the training and education I have gained to try to help others on their fitness journeys? Who am I to take the motivation and inspiration I have gotten from my own instructors and not pay it forward? Who am I to sit on the sidelines of my own life, waiting for something to happen?
The drive home that Saturday was long, and I had a lot of time to think. I mulled over the events of the past months and began to realise I had missed a golden opportunity. I had been standing on the precipice of my dream future and backed away from it. What an idiot! Resigned to the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it and determined not to dwell, as I parked my car I decided to put these thoughts away too.
The very next Monday, I received an email from a woman looking for a Zumba instructor. Before I had a chance to talk myself out of it, I replied with an emphatic yes! I feel so blessed to have been given a second chance to pursue this. I appreciate how fortunate I am, and I am determined to not let anyone down. The count down is truly on and this day two weeks, I will be pressing play on a long awaited adventure. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
So many people have influenced, inspired and at times even bullied me into making this happen. I am so thankful to each and every one of you. If I could offer one small piece of advice to anyone who wants to take the first step towards their dream, it’s this. Get after it! Be well xxx
If you asked me to describe how 2017 has been for me so far, in just one word, that word would be “funny.” The months have simply flown by. There have been some periods of intense learning and growth. During these times, I felt on top of the world. Training and nutrition were dialed in. Work was challenging and busy, but not difficult. On the flip side, there have also been periods, like the one I find myself in right now, which were the complete opposite.
During these times, nutrition is a daily battle, when I manage to train everything feels hard and heavy. Just getting through the day at work seems to sap all my energy and creativity. It’s enough to make me feel like giving up entirely. But you know what, sometimes it’s okay to do just that!
The last few weeks in particular have been very strange. Nothing catastrophic has happened as such, but there has been just enough upheaval and lack of routine, to completely throw me off my game. There has been lots of eating out and sleeping in. Plenty of missed gym sessions, and very little getting done to help me to achieve my long term goals. I have put on weight, and I am pretty sure my FitBit thinks I am dead. In short, there has been a definite back slide.
I can’t tell you how strong the urge is to beat myself up about this. Words like “stupid,” “pathetic” and “failure” come to my mind unbidden and it takes so much effort to repress them. My rational mind knows that progress is always non-linear. It’s normal to take two steps forward and one backwards. Sometimes we hit that snake and slide all the way back to where we started! But, even that, when it happens is not is not a tragedy. We bring all the knowledge and tools we have acquired back to square one with us.
I have given these back slide periods a lot of thought over the past while, and I have come to the conclusion that they might just be necessary. We all know that a healthy body means a healthy mind. However, I can’t help wondering if the opposite can be true sometimes. Maybe the thing the mind and soul occasionally needs, is to let go of all of it. Perhaps it yearns to stop worrying about every calorie and stressing about missed workouts. Maybe if we truly want to nurture the soul, we should give the body what it wants, instead of what it needs, from time to time.
Another question I have pondered, is what brings on these phases. Could it be that the change in seasons has prompted a sort of mini-hibernation? Maybe it is that I know the next few months are going to get crazy again, so I am trying to build myself up? Who knows! What I do know, is that they come, and when they do, there is very little I can do to guard against them.
So, here I am, on another Monday, starting from scratch AGAIN! Anyone who has been in this position, knows how difficult it is to start over. Easier by far, to continue the self destructive behaviours. The one thing that makes it easier, is knowing that I haven’t slid all the way back to square one. Even if I put back on every pound I have lost, I still wouldn’t be back to where I started. I have learned so much, and grown so much as a person since this journey began. I have confidence now, that the sad, miserable and frightened girl I was then, is gone forever.
I really didn’t want to write this article. It comes so much easier, when everything is going well. I want to be able to sit here and tell you all about my successes and the progress I have made, but that wouldn’t be real. I made a commitment to bring you guys with me on this journey, so that means showing you the lows as well as the highs. The goods news is that I think I have slid as far down the board as I am going to, for now. Here’s hoping I roll a 6 and find a ladder or two. Be well xxx
My husband and I are approaching the tenth anniversary of buying our house. Looking back on it now, we were impossibly young. We were completely overwhelmed by all the decisions, which needed to be made, and in our haste to get it all “finished” we made plenty of terrible choices.
One such choice, was with our dining set. I wanted one with 6 chairs. I was moving away from my home town, and was worried about being lonely, so imagined we would be thronged with visitors! We had originally ordered a 5′ table, but when it arrived (and was assembled) we realised they had sent us the 6′ one in error. Not wanting to cause a fuss, I convinced myself that it was “fine.” It wasn’t! The thing is completely enormous. Totally unsuitable for two people (and one very large dog.) I have hated it from day one and have lost count of the number of bruises its corners have bestowed upon me.
Last week, I made the decision to replace it. I have ordered a small, round table (no more corners) and four chairs. I am delighted. I know the new one will be far more suitable for our limited dining needs. The space it frees up in the kitchen will be invaluable, especially when trying to wrangle a muddy, wet dog coming in the back door. Why then, do I also feel guilty? Why do I find myself trying to rationalise the decision? Even if I didn’t hate the original one, replacing it after a decade can hardly be considered frivilous. So, why am I having such a hard time letting it go?
There will be times in life when such objects no longer serve us. They don’t necessarily need to be broken or worn out to have outlived their usefulness. Learning to recognise when this has happened, and how to let these items go, is definitely something I am going to have to work on. For me, I think it is a fear of appearing wasteful, wanton and ungrateful, which causes me to hang onto things longer than I perhaps should. Marie Kondo advises that when we come to make these decisions, we should thank the items for their service to us, and let them go. Yes, it sounds a little silly, but I truly think it helps.
It is a similar situation when it comes to our habits and even our relationships. There will be times when it no longer makes sense to do something, which we may have been doing for years, or even decades. If we remain open to learning and growing, we will inevitably come to understand that maybe the path we are on is not the best one. Perhaps it never was, or maybe the landscape has shifted since our journey began. Either way, allowing yourself to change direction is an extremely empowering thing.
Not for a moment am I suggesting that we should change course willy nilly, but being rigidly fixed on a set point, can really restrict us. I remember being in University. I absolutely hated it. For the entire time I was there, I was miserable. It had such a negative affect on me that by the time I graduated, I was physically and emotionally in a terrible state. I became deeply depressed and more or less gave up eating. Not through a desire to lose weight, but because I simply couldn’t have been bothered. Most days I would eat one meal, consisting of a fried egg, two slices of toast and half a tomato. By the time I approached my final exams, I weighed just 46kg (102lbs.) I firmly believe that this phase in my life is where my chequered relationship with food began.
I recall, at the time my mother saying to me “Arwen, you have more staying power than anyone I have ever known.” I thought to myself that this must be a good thing. Surely setting a course and sticking to it no matter what is admirable and right? It is only with the benefit of hindsight that I understand how wrong I was. It was cowardly to continue to bang my head against a brick wall with something so clearly wrong for me. It would have been far braver to accept I had made a mistake, and walk away with my mind and body in tact.
Even with our relationships, knowing when to walk away is a skill worth learning. In all human relationships, there needs to be give and take. Obviously this ratio will fluctuate during the course of the relationship, depending on where both people are in their lives. However, if you get to the stage with someone where you feel like it is completely one sided, it might be time to ask yourself “what am I getting out of this?” That might sound completely selfish, but if the alternative is that you end up feeling hurt, resentful and angry then the hard questions need to be asked.
If the person is important to you, then tell them how you feel. They might have no idea that have been taking you for granted. Asking for what you need from people is a mature and grown up thing to do, but it is never easy! If you don’t feel able to address it, perhaps the only thing to do is walk away. This doesn’t mean you need to have a huge confrontation and fall out with them. You can simply stop being the first to text, call, or visit. To put it plainly, if they want you, they know where you are.
I am a sentimental soul at heart, and my connections to people, places and things have always been important to me. I find letting go extremely difficult. However, I am beginning to learn that being overly attached to the past, can only serve to prevent me from moving forward. My new table arrives on Monday and I am so looking forward to it. It will serve as a daily reminder that sometimes it is okay to leave the past behind. After all, even King Arthur knew that a round table was better! Be well xxx